Now this is shameful

I firmly believe, hating your parent(s) or talking bad about them is a shameful behaviour. It shows how unfiliar you are and worse, how ungrateful.

I’m not sure how I was brought up. My parents didn’t really have a share in it. I don’t remember any moral or ethic lessons, or how-a-good-boy-should-behave talks. They have always let me be who I am, unless I really commit dead-serious mistakes or anything that would shame them. Most of the times, I appreciate their way of “bringing me up”. That is, having absolute trust in me that I am and will always be a/their good boy. However, I would love to have them show more parental authority at times. I need to know that I can rely on them when I have nobody else to turn to. But I don’t get that sense of security from them. However much I hate to say this, I feel more like I was fostered.

Also, I hoped they could be wiser, and be able to advise and understand me. I’m not even sure if they can do the latter.

Having said that, I love my mum. She is my hero, my idol and my role model. As much as I want to learn to be like her, I can’t because I don’t think I can go through as much as she has suffered. This is why I am denying myself a relationship.

And I’m also saying my father’s a jerk at his best. Even kor and jie hate him. I had tried to be ignorant to their estrangement; I thought I could forget his dishonest past; I believed he had turned a better man. Alas, the history is unto us and the past has never, really, passed. He is still what he was, but just a little milder.

Now, this is shameful. I can’t talk to him properly, anymore. I have had enough of him. Maybe now I’m facing difficulties so that explains my impatience. Probably our relationship will get better, in time. Meanwhile, I’m keeping my fingers crossed.