irony as life

i guess that irony is part and parcel of life, just as ketchup is part of mine (what the…) sometimes bus trips proved to be so fruitful, when i made enough realisations to write a thesis, and at other times it’s just normal bus trips, where the journey is rocky enough to make you think you’re out at sea. speaking of irony and realisations, i made one ironic realisation today. i am an impatient person and absolutely adhores wasting time. i hate waiting and i hate to forget what i’ve learnt because if i did, i should not have spent time learning that in the first place. and then i realised, ain’t i wasting my time now by skipping school and sleeping my life away? ironic indeed.

and i can’t expect anything less from my twin.

what’s the point of making me so stressed and then advising me to delay completion to tomorrow? better still, he couldn’t explain the homework details to me. i didn’t want to get angry at him, especially i don’t have the right to do so, but i thought he was being very pointless. luckily, i have the BTN presentation to distract me with or else i’d have gone bonkers with the list of undone assignments.

start working, procrastinator!

actually i should have started the whole entry with this part but anyway. walloping in self pity is no good and i bet everyone knows that; i tell that to so many of my depressed friends but one would expect me not to fall into that state, wouldn’t they? well, this is another part of life – talking’s always easy. the reason why i deleted my blog, my friendster account, refused to celebrate birthday and withdrawing slowly from my friends are the same. i’m just pitying myself, by trying to destroy my life, those that Melvin did not succeed in doing. in a way, i’m an accomplice and am helping Melvin to murder myself. well, perhaps it ain’t his fault at all.

i had to restart a blog because i cannot pour my sorrows or share my life with anyone. nobody in particular seems to such a person whom i can be clique with; this guise has existed since knowing some “friends” and it has integrated into me so well that i’m not longer Benny without it. what’s the use of this guise? like i’ve told Justin and Melvin, it is to filter the good friends from the others. maybe the guise has been so successful that it became a tough nut nobody could crack, i’ve no friends that can understand me and i feel this emptiness almost everytime. speaking of which, i don’t like friends that understand me too well and that’s the second reason for having the guise.

taking off the mask now is useless anymore because i ain’t myself without that. the mask is already me i guess. in the meanwhile, i believe this is the best time to learn to be more independent.