Possessed by Possession.
After moral trouble
Let me lie still
Where the wind drives and the clouds stream
Over the hill
Where grass’ thousands thirsty mouths
Sup up their fill
Of the slow dew and the sharp rain
Of the mantling snow dissolv’d again
At Heaven’s sweet will
-A. S. Byatt, Possession
Thus shall it be closed.
It’s really tough, I just don’t get it.
You said I’m nice, but I’m still here.
I’m gonna learn how to not to fall.
How not to fall in love.
Now this is shameful
I firmly believe, hating your parent(s) or talking bad about them is a shameful behaviour. It shows how unfiliar you are and worse, how ungrateful.
I’m not sure how I was brought up. My parents didn’t really have a share in it. I don’t remember any moral or ethic lessons, or how-a-good-boy-should-behave talks. They have always let me be who I am, unless I really commit dead-serious mistakes or anything that would shame them. Most of the times, I appreciate their way of “bringing me up”. That is, having absolute trust in me that I am and will always be a/their good boy. However, I would love to have them show more parental authority at times. I need to know that I can rely on them when I have nobody else to turn to. But I don’t get that sense of security from them. However much I hate to say this, I feel more like I was fostered.
Also, I hoped they could be wiser, and be able to advise and understand me. I’m not even sure if they can do the latter.
Having said that, I love my mum. She is my hero, my idol and my role model. As much as I want to learn to be like her, I can’t because I don’t think I can go through as much as she has suffered. This is why I am denying myself a relationship.
And I’m also saying my father’s a jerk at his best. Even kor and jie hate him. I had tried to be ignorant to their estrangement; I thought I could forget his dishonest past; I believed he had turned a better man. Alas, the history is unto us and the past has never, really, passed. He is still what he was, but just a little milder.
Now, this is shameful. I can’t talk to him properly, anymore. I have had enough of him. Maybe now I’m facing difficulties so that explains my impatience. Probably our relationship will get better, in time. Meanwhile, I’m keeping my fingers crossed.
